The best way to sum it up is to say it's a huge conflict of emotions. HUMONGOUS! On one hand, I LOVE fall! The sweltering August heat gives way to nice cool mornings, pumpkins, changing leaves, football and soups for dinner. It's such a great time. I feel like I get a little pep in my step after almost sweating to death over the summer.
On the other hand....it's a month where I gave birth to our son. I held him, kissed him, napped with him, handed him over to God and buried him. And that last part really takes the joy of pumpkins and hooded sweatshirts. It's like I can't fully enjoy the month and changing of seasons because of this looming cloud over me.
And as I learned last year, the week leading up to Brooks' birthday is always worse than the actual day. Don't know why, but it's true. Probably the re-playing of events and thinking that I "had him" just 2 years prior. I've been MOODY this week and that's not me. I'll be happy and shopping for Halloween costumes one minute and snapping at my husband the next. So ANNOYING!
And, that's how I feel about September.
8 comments:
You've been on my heart this week and I look forward to Friday. You can talk to me ALL about your precious boy if that would be helpful. I'd love to hear.
Right before you were pregnant I remember reading my Bible and the story of Sarah and her troubles with conceiving and for some reason you were heavy on my heart that night...a few short days later you told me you were pregnant. Internally I was so excited not only for your pregnancy but also I felt like God had spoke to me, which is just awesome. So...while your heart aches this week know that your little miracle baby has touched many people in different ways...some you may not even know about or realize the full extent. And because we are human and our hearts ache it's also ok to say it all just sucks regardless of HIS reasonings! Thinking of all of you!
I totally get it. I feel the same way about fall, specifically about October. I remember that September here in Maryland in 2008 was still quite warm. I remember going to the hospital to deliver Isaac, and it still felt like summer outside. 4 days later, leaving the hospital without my son, the weather had turned. It was cooler, crisper. The leaves had so slightly started to turn. That shift to fall reminds me so much of that time... of Isaac, of his absence. I know you feel the same about Brooks.
I am praying for you, Ashly. The ache never really goes away, does it? God has certainly restored our joy, as I know he has yours... but it's hard when you know that your family here on Earth is incomplete. Praying for peace, praying for rest, praying that sweet memories with your sweet boy would bring a smile to your face. Praying for God's comfort and that he would meet you right where you are... deep in the missing.
~ Stacy
I visited Brooks today. Before I even read this post. He touched so many, and he won't be forgotten.
Praying for you and Denny this week. Squeeze that sweet Macy B extra tight, and know that love is surrounding you.
Praying for you this week! So sorry that your heartaches and praying that God gives you grace this week. But also give yourself permission to be sad, happy, mad and glad all at the same time.
Abbey
Me too... fall will never be the same.
Praise God, he is faithful.
Praying for you Ashly. Know its ok to feel these emotions but be comforted by the sweet kisses of MB. God is a faithful God and has you wrapped in his arms. Rest in his peace!
Hi Ashly. You don't know me, but know that I'm thinking of you today. Things don't get 'better with time', I know that only too well. I pray for you today the same as I did last year and the year before. I pray that you find peace, it's never easy, I have no idea what you're both going though but I know it's as raw as it was then. Please know we have not forgotten. Becky xxx
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