Guilt

So I haven't updated in a little while, which is unusual for me. The reason behind the long break is that I've been trying to build up the courage to write my thoughts on guilt. It's not a topic that I particularly want to write about, but it is a big part of grieving a stillborn baby. I'm hoping once I voice what's swirling around in my head I can begin to let go of some unpleasant feelings.

I'm sure people have wanted to ask, "did you not notice he wasn't moving around as much?" It's a natural thought process for an outsider. However, I am so thankful no one has approached me with that question. I did notice Brooks had been quiet beginning late Tuesday night when D and I went to Provinos for Eggplant Parmesan (yes, I was trying that old wives tale that eggplant has labor inducing powers!) We wondered if we should call the doctor and apparently decided against it. Brooks had been quiet the week before and after drinking a coke, many glasses of freezing cold water and shaking my belly violently I could not get him to kick me. So I didn't hesitate and called the office. They said "come over to the hospital, we want to check you out." I left work immediately and was at the hospital in 10 minutes. The nurse hooked me up to a non-stress test machine that measures the baby's movements. Instantly I was greeted to that joyous rhythmic sound of my little man's heartbeat. After about 20 minutes, a few position changes, and several cups of cold juice he began squirming around and the nurse printed the test for the midwife's approval. She approved and let us go home. So when Brooks decided to be quiet the following week we kept thinking back to how he showed us up at the hospital 5 days earlier.

I would literally give my right arm to go back to the night of 9/16/09 and head over to the hospital for a little checkup. Why would I even risk it and take a chance? We'd waited 2 years and experienced enough baby grief already. Just call the freakin doctor! Hello! Now, I know that isn't possible and this has all happened for a reason, blah blah blah, but I can't help but think I could have somehow prevented his death.

Not being consumed by guilty feelings is a daily struggle for me. The main things I feel guilty about are:
Not calling when I had a bad gut feeling
Not requesting the hospital to do an ultrasound or further testing when I was there at 37 weeks
Not taking the baby aspirin past 37 weeks even though this was the dr's recommendation

I am well aware it is not my job to have to request hospital staff for futher testing. It is also not my job to continue taking aspirin past the advised date. But I know better! I am quite educated in the realm of pregnancy and should have thought twice.

There's no way to know when Brooks passed away and unfortunately our autopsy did not show why. I do not know for sure, but when I logically think about a baby in the womb, there's no telling how long a baby has to press on their cord and cut off their blood supply. He could have outstretched his foot during a nap and pinched it between us, who knows. Either way, guilt still lives in me.

I believe every mom wants to feel like a good mom. That's where I really struggle. I feel like the worst mom. How could I not know when my baby wasn't doing good? Why would I not get him checked out at first thought? A good mom would know better. That's what is really sad for me. Not only have I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, but I wanted to be a good one, great, the best. And when your baby passes away inside of you, it's hard to feel like a good mother. I hope and pray Brooks could feel how much I loved him and knew I really tried to do what was best for him.

I beleive guilt is one of the most powerful emotions one can have. Guilt was really overwhelming in those early days. I went on a walk with Kim and Sarah one day and Sarah changed the way I view guilt. She began telling me that guilt is not a feeling from God. Not a Godly emotion. He does not give me or want me to have those feelings. My feeling guilty was an emotion that would please Satan. Satan was gaining joy every time I beat myself up or couldn't stop crying feeling like it was all my fault. Once she put it that way, I have been handling guilty thoughts so much better. There is no way I want Satan to get any pleasure out of our tradgedy. I only want to use it for God's glory and to help others. Now when those guilty feelings creep up, because yes, they still do, I am better at dealing with them.

This was such a hard post to write. I fear any readers I have out there are going to have bad feelings about me and my mothering skills. Way down deep in their hearts, even if they don't want to feel that way. I miss my boy more than I can express. I still picture his little 4 month self fitting in perfectly to our family. Please continue to pray for us and specifically for my guilt. It's terrible on those overwhelming days. Pray I can keep it under control and remember Satan is to get no glory out of our circumstances. D and I really appreciate all the support and prayers we have received. It is making a big difference in our lives! Thank you:)