*** Warning***
These "Sneak Peak" posts are going to be extremely honest. I am a very honest blogger, but I'm feeling the need to put my thoughts on "paper." And these thoughts will be straight from my head to this blog, so watch out:)
I also want to make sure that I document these thoughts to:
a.) help anyone else that may read this blog
b.) give insight to what it's like to grieve so deeply so a blurker may be able to help someone else
c.) insure that I myself am still grieving in a healthy way and not holding anything in
okay...onto the post!
I absolutely cringe when someone asks me...."so how's being a mom treating you?" or "how do you feel now that you're a mommy?"
Was I not a mother before just because my son wasn't here? DRIVES ME NUTS!
What is wrong with our society that we do not begin thinking of people as 'mothers' and 'fathers' as soon as they conceive? Are those mothers and fathers not already trying to take the very best care of that baby? Even though the baby isn't here yet, parents are still thinking about their baby, praying for their baby, talking to and about their baby, eating and drinking for their baby, sleeping on their left side for their baby (hehe).....
Dads, and moms especially are doing their best to care for that child before it's born. I hear women pregnant with their first child all the time say things like "I can't wait to be a mom."
Uh, I'm pretty sure you already are....
When we think you become a mom the minute the child is born that really hurts me. It absolutely kills me to have someone think that I just became a mom when Macy B was born. I can't stand not being thought of as Brooks' mother.
Our society is so messed up about this topic that we don't even have a word for a parent that loses a child. We have a word for a child that loses a parent-orphan. We have a word for a husband that loses his wife-widow. But what do we call a parent who's child meets Jesus earlier than expected? It's obviously not "mom" or I wouldn't have people constantly asking me how it feels to finally be a mom.
It feels great, and it felt great the first time I became a mom to our baby in 2006 that I gave birth to at 14 weeks.
It'd be completely fine with me if people came up to me and said "So, how does it feel to get to keep your baby?" And instead of responding with a fake "oh it's great" I could say something like, "Oh, I just love it when the Lord let's me be in charge of a little person!" and "thank you for acknowledging my little man!"
Stacy, I know you've been worried about this coming up and just so you know, I'm afraid to say it's probably going to happen to you when Ellie arrives. I'm doing my part trying to educate the blog world :) but you better be thinking of a good response in the meantime!
I'd love to be a small part of changing the way people think about this topic. Moms and dads become mom and dads when they conceive that little miracle!
So there you have it, part one into just a small part of what goes on in my head....Does anyone else agree, share this problem or just think I'm crazy? (it's okay to tell me that, because I already know!)
12 years ago
15 comments:
My daughter is pregnant with her second child. I say "I'm a grandmother of two" to anyone who asks. It's so aggravating to see those "mommy-to-be" t-shirts on pregnant women! ha...anyway, amen, sister, on this topic! I enjoy your blog.
I have already began to dread those comments. So far I have not had to hear them yet and it makes it much easier when people say "you are going to be such a great parent" rather than mom...
I have never thought about it this way, but your point about orphan and widow and no word for a mother who's lost a child was right on.
I get all hot and bothered when people talk about "becoming a family" when they have kids. I thought Jason and I became a family when we got married. What about couples who don't have children? Are they not families?
And while we're on the topic of words that bother us, I HATE when mothers talk about asking their husbands to "babysit" their OWN children. Drives me crazy.
So glad you got this off your chest. Thanks for educating us on how to walk beside someone who is walking your path.
Hi Ashly!
First of all Congrats to you and Denny on your beautiful daughter and I'm so glad God let you keep her!
I wholeheartedly agree with you on your post. Now that I'm pregnant with my second (I miscarried my first around 12 weeks)when people ask me "is this your first," I cringe a little inside. I usually just say yes to avoid having an awkward conversation with a stranger or making them feel bad b/c they don't know what I went through. It would be easier though if there were a word to describe a mom who has lost a child at any stage of life.
Thanks for all of your insight and openness. - Shannon Cannon
Hey Ashley, I think that most of us who have not lost a child can honestly say we never say things to purposefully hurt or upset someone who has lost a child. We want to understand and help with words of love and comfort. It's good to read a post like this so that if we face someone in the future who has lost a child we might use your advice and be helpful and encouraging. I think that most people don't say anything to someone who has lost a child ( this also seems to upset people) because they are afraid they will make it worse. I guess if you have not experienced this type of pain it's hard to know the right thing to say. Anyway, just some thoughts. Maybe the key is to just LOVE. Well I love you and your beautiful children. Talk to you soon.
Just found your blog and am loving it. We had loss in a different sort of way. We were trying to adopt after years of infertility. Held our baby boy for 8 days then the birthmom changed her mind. I am at peace with it, but we are still grieving the loss. I love seeing how you are grieving in a healthy way. Thanks for being so honest and open.
I feel like an 'invisible' mom in many ways. Partly because Ethan isn't here as outward evidence and we don't have other children. Partly because many people don't view the loss of babies before birth the same way as they do other losses (drives me crazy).
I hope that one day God will give us a baby to raise, but I don't look forward to the comments. Thank you for your honesty, it makes me not feel so crazy!
i love your transparency ashly!!!
the lord is using you in ways you probably don't even know....
keep telling your story -- keep being honest -- you are a strong woman!!!
blessings!!!
I really love this post, Ash! First, because you're being so honest. Second, because I totally agree with you that living children don't determine if you are in fact a mother. For you and me, and countless other women, who had a "little" trouble concieving, those "mommy decisions/sacrifices" started long before a positive pregnancy test! Can I get an AMEN!! I pray more than anything that these posts will stir in your readers a call to think before we speak. Oh, how our society needs this! Knowing is good, but putting this knowledge to use is really healing!
I'm with you...my biggest pet peeve is when people call a pregnant woman 'mommy-to-be'. It completely devalues the lives of babies who do not live outside the womb.
It's really hard to be gracious to people when they say things that not only hurt but devalue the lives of our babies.
Praying for you and all of us as we walk this not often travelled road.
love,
ebe
p.s. Tonya told me she is meeting you next week! That's so exciting. I'd also really love to have an Atlanta get together. There are so many of us mommies to babies in Heaven that live around Atlanta.
Ashly,
Thank you for your comment on my blog. Just wanted to stop by and tell you that I completely agree with you! For me personally, one of the most difficult and hurtful statements that people made when we were pregnant with our 2nd was, "When you become a mother . . . "
In my head, I would think to myself, "Uh, I'm sorry, I thought having Dylan made me a mother?!?!?!" It's a world of frustration that I hate being on this end of, but as with most things in our world, It is what it is.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for your honesty!
Kat @ In Dylan's Memory
Hi Ashly,
I've been reading your blog for awhile now and love your post. My daughter was born into Heaven this summer and I cringe all the time when people ask if I have kids. I do, just not the way they expect me to ... it's a strange world we moms of angels live in.
Thanks for your honesty ... Brooks and Macy are blessed to have you as their mom!
I too love your transparency, Ashly! I totally agree with you. We are parents the second that life is put in our wombs.
Thanks for calling the other day. Love you and miss you bunches!
Couldn't agree more! Thanks for being so honest on behalf of all us Mom's with babies in heaven! Loved catching up with you at dinner and seeing your sweet family at babyD.
I lost my third child, a daughter in Sept. I am very fortunate to have two healthy boys prior to her, but I still struggle when people make comments. I am a mother of three, not just two boys. I have a difficult time saying something positive when well-intentioned people make certain comments to me. I can't imagine what you go through when people say things like that to you. A friend of mine sent me this website, I don't know if you have seen it, so if you haven't you should check it out.http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/
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