I'm cleaning like mad and prepping for a great first birthday party for my princess. But as I'm running around today I can hardly keep the tears from spilling over. So, I just decided to throw down the mop and write...
I keep thinking about Brooks and have woken up so many mornings lately replaying events surrounding his pregnancy and birth. I still can't believe we have buried one of our children. And those thoughts lead me to thinking of Macy Brooks. It's almost unfathomable how far God has brought us in just under 1 year. He reached down into the trenches of heartache and gave us the most wonderful blessing in such a short time.
As we continue to close in our MB's 1st birthday, again I find myself replaying events from this time last year. I can't help but remember all the emotions during her pregnancy. Looking back, I can admit now that I was scared to death. I didn't know what was going to happen. Were we going to be able to bring home a healthy baby? Was the baby moving? When was the last time I felt something. I NEVER let myself go more than 2 hours without making her move. If I ever forgot what time I last checked the clock, I'd panic. Devastating day dreams would play out in my head in less than a couple seconds. It was such a hard time. I tried my best to trust in Jesus, but I'm not sure I did a very good job.
So anyways, I'm sinking and sinking hard. In the song "He Loves Us," by David Crowder, he sings, "if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."
And that describes our family perfectly. We are surrounded and covered in God's grace. He has entrusted us with the most awesome baby girl I have ever seen. He has taken our hurts and hearts full of holes and filled them up.
I do not deserve this wonderful (almost) 1 year old. He has blessed us a million times over. Lots of times when I talk about how happy we are, people say, "well after all you guys have been through, you deserve to be this happy." Well, folks we don't! God owes us nothing. We are sinners by nature. Although we do our best to follow Him and remain in His word, we're still sinners. It's ONLY by God's grace we have any goodness in our lives and in this world. Isn't he an awesome God?
My heart is spilling over with thankfulness and happiness :)
P.S. Macy Brooks, stop growing up sooo fast!
8 comments:
Isn't it crazy how fast they grow?? She is a cutie. I will be praying for extra peace as her first birthday approaches. I have found that when I get comfortable with the "good" things happening around me, satan likes to remind me of the events that surrounded Braxton's death. I am sure satan is doing is best to bring you down during this first birthday that you have always dreamed of. In the name of Jesus, satan be gone!
Hugs,
Destiny
Such a sweet post, Ash. I can hardly believe your girl is almost one. She is such a doll baby!
Still think of your Brooks often and can't believe his second birthday is right around the corner.
You are the mommy of such sweet babies.
Love you so much!
Becca
Beautiful post. So true. Can't believe your girl is almost one. Can't wait for a play date! =)
Loved the post! That is so true! My sister in law told me once that when you have gone through a struggle to have a healthy baby, you appreciate it more! I agree with you, Christ owes us nothing but He loves us so much that He gives us more then we could ever ask or imagine!
Abbey:)
Love the post. I cant believe MB is one...she is growing so fast and is so precious. Miss you all and hate we will not make it to the party. Tell MB Aunt Debo said she loves her!!
Macy Brooks has been blessed by having you as her mommy. We do serve an awesome and generous God, don't we? His love is sufficient.
I can't wait to hear all about MB's party!
what a sincere post. our lives are filled with joy with these precious rainbow babies...but all our first with them are helping us realize even more of what we missed out on with Brooks and Tatum. We are moms of two, yet planning parties for the first time. Hope the party goes well... our familes are truly blessed...
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9
Ashly...first of all, seeing that beautiful face staring at me when I checked your blog a few minutes ago makes my heart flutter....she IS so beautiful....of course, you know that. And, because I've never experienced the loss of a child, I can't completely relate to your experience, but, of course, I still imagine it....you're right, we're ALLLL sinking...b/c His grace is more than sufficient for us, and none of us deserve it. I knew you were scared when you were pregnant with Macy B....we all were....but, we were doing our best to be strong for you. There is no one on the Earth that I am more proud to see become a mommy! Can't wait to see ya'll on Sat. to celebrate this extraordinary girl, AND see those pretty little ears in person...hehe. :) Love ya!
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