Always Aware

I've been thinking lately so hold onto your hats...

Having your son pass away inside of you oh so suddenly just one week short of his anticipated arrival is heart-wrenching. As you heal and try to recover life never looks the same.

Denny and I we are now ALWAYS aware of how quickly life can change. We have seen the reality of how never knowing when it might be the last time you hug your spouse, talk to your Dad on the phone or feel your 3rd child wiggling inside.

One way to look at this new found awareness is to be glad for it. And most of the time, I am. It really makes you think about how you treat others, especially your loved ones. Denny and I are nicer and more considerate of each other. We tell each other how thankful we are for one another more often. Our arguements are usually short lived because we realize there are more important things than who didn't unload the dishwasher. In our minds, we keep the small stuff small and the big stuff big. If you know what I mean...

The other way to deal with my heightened awareness is to be annoyed with it. This is my latest school of thought on the subject.

Sometimes, I really don't feel like hopping out of bed to chase Denny down in the garage before he drives to work because he didn't hear me say "I love you" as he left the bedroom. Every once in awhile I want to be mad at Denny for tuning me out during Sunday football (I mean, if he EVER did, which he doesn't, because he is perfect 100% of the time!) but let's just say if he did just happened to disappoint me or cause any emotion other than pure happiness....I'd like to walk out the door possibly letting it slam a little on my way out and go for a long drive without telling him I love him. Ya know what I mean? But we rarely do these things now because we have seen just how precious our time together is. In a way I long to be "normal," to have "normal" fights over small things. It's a lot of pressure to live under when you are constantly aware of how fragile life on earth really is. I do feel like I need to stay on the best terms possible with everyone around me. It sounds silly now that I type it out, but it's still true.

Awareness is good and bad-do you see?