Proof

This past week I was cleaning out a few cabinets and came across something I'd forgot about. I located 4 DVD's of ultrasound I had when I was pregnant with Brooks. The office I went to for the first part of his pregnancy would record the ultrasound on DVD's. I'm so thankful they did! We have one from 7 weeks, 9 weeks, 11 weeks and 21 weeks!

When I came across them my breath caught in my throat and my heart stopped for a second. I wanted to watch it so badly, but then again I didn't. I was afraid of what my day might turn into if I watched it while I was home alone in the middle of the afternoon. I set it aside for all of 30 seconds and acted like I wasn't going to take a look. After trying to trick myself, I threw gently placed Macy B in her exersaucer and popped in the 21 week DVD.

My first emotion was pure joy! I loved watching Brooks. He was a happy guy. We saw heart beating strong, his arms and legs flailing about, his head, eyes, nose, mouth and even his boy parts. Brooks was thriving in there, so content in his mama's belly.

My second emotion was another form of happiness. Happy that we have proof of our boy. There he is right there on the TV. When your son passes away before you get to meet him outside of the womb, you aren't left with much. Not many pictures, videos, laughs or memories. It's all just pregnancy stuff where you can't actually "see" Brooks. The only thing you still have are the hopes and dreams you had for the baby. And those fade much too quickly. So in watching this boy on the television I felt so happy to have proof of his existence. I just kept saying, "See, we do have a son, he was healthy, he was super cute!"

The emotion I was left with however as the DVD came to an end was sadness. Wait, I take that back, after the sadness came a fourth feeling-anger and pure annoyance.

I was so bummed Brooks died just 18 weeks after the DVD was made. The weight of his absence seemed to fill the living room. I got in the car a little while later and called my own mama, where the annoyance showed its face. I told her that it was all so dumb. There he was, right there, happy and healthy as could be. Swimming and kicking. Opening his mouth. Rolling over. I mean, what exactly happened? He was fine, doing great and then what....we go for an appointment and its all over as we know it. So incredibly joyful, happy, sad, angry and flat out IRRITATING.