uggh...
Tomorrow is our son's 4th birthday.
I've had my hard cry and hopefully can now move on to celebrating our boy.
The 17th of September is the hardest day of the year for me. This time 4 years ago I was alone in the doctor's office receiving the worst news of my life. I was laying on the table screaming out to God to show up. Asking him to bring that heartbeat to my ears.
I never did hear a heartbeat that day.
Denny showed up soon after that and we drove home in shock. I don't really cry that often about Brooks (sometimes, not a lot), but when I think of how abandoned I felt that day the tears flow like water. I called and called for God and felt like he did nothing. He just left me alone without my son and it's so painful.
But...the good news is, He never did leave me! He completely carried us through the worst hardship I pray we ever experience. He surrounded us, guided us and pulled us to the other side. Our meal calendar was filled for the next 3 months within 24 hours. Cards, phone calls and notes came to our home. Countless prayers were lifted on our behalf. God orchestrated all of that to help us through.
When I think back over 2008 and 2009, my first thought is, "I don't know how we made it." And my 2nd thought is "God is the ONLY reason we made it." It's just like the footprints in the sand poem. We walked through a season, but when we turn around there's only 1 set of footprints.
I miss Brooks so much. 4 years later, there's still not more than a few hours that go by without me thinking of him. I re-play events of his pregnancy and delivery often. It's some of the few memories I have. Re-playing events also ensures that I'm not going to forget a single thing. It was a super sad delivery and those 5 hours we spent with him were almost unbearable, but it's what I have. I never want to forget.
Another reason I am sad is time is passing by. I hate getting farther and farther from Brooks. It's been 4 years since I held and kissed that sweet face. It's too long.
I'm so thankful where we are today. We have 2 great girls and 1 resident of Heaven. We get to use our son as a ministry to others who experience this terrible heartache. Unfortunately, this year I've had the opportunity to minister to other moms far too much. But, Brooks is full-filling his purpose(I hope!).
Since I'm going to be re-playing events from 4 years ago all day today and tomorrow, if you want....please leave a comment on this blog (so I'll have it forever and ever!) about where you were when you heard the news, how Brooks has impacted you, or anything you remember from 4 years ago! Thank you friends:)
I love you buddy! We're going to Catch Air tomorrow with our neighborhood friends to celebrate your all too short life! You would have loved it. I'll be thinking and missing you like crazy!
Give Jesus a hug for me!
12 years ago
18 comments:
4 years ago I was at work when I heard the news. I was in complete shock. I sobbed in the break room for what seems like forever and then of course I left work early crying all the way home. I was heartbroken for you and Denny and of course already loved Brooks too! I will be praying for you and Denny through today and tomorrow and I love you all!!
I got a text or call (can't remember) from Kim. I was in complete shock and tried to get in touch with Natalie right away. I prayed and prayed for comfort. Praying for y'all now as you walk through the next few days and everyday!
Oh Ashly! I think about you, Denny and Brooks often. I was at work and I felt the air leave the room when I heard the horrible news. My heart ached. I prayed that some of us that didn't even know you THAT well, could carry some of this burden you were facing.
Following your story and watching you and Denny navigate this road you never wanted to be on, has been an inspiration in my own life. I heard a counselor say once that it is okay to not want "your story." You can be mad about it, sad about it, even angry about it. However, at some point you have to embrace it in order for God to use it. It is so clear that your story, Brooks story, is one that you are allowing God to use for good.
Thank you for sharing Brooks with us. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions as you process life without him. He is an amazing little boy that continues to do remarkable things on this earth! He would be SO proud of his Mama! You have turned your misery into a ministry! I can't think of anything more honoring!
XOXO,
Jenny
I've never even met you face to face but through a mutual friend (Shannon Galbreath) she asked me to pray for y'all and I began doing so 4 years ago. I remember thinking I could never live through that. I followed your blog and read your heartache and joy, thank you for being so open. Because of your openess I was given HOPE when we lost our baby at 28 weeks May 15, 2011. I can't tell you how many times I thought of you during that time, knowing you had made it, and were making it, day by day. Your words were comfort to someone that hadn't even met you but walked a simliar path. I remember thinking how much you missed Brooks, per your posts for months and months, and even years afterwards. I knew I wasn't alone when we lost our little girl, I wasn't the only one that felt like God didn't "show up"(Ironically I used that exact phrase a lot). You ministered to me before my terrbile day in 2011 even came with your words and then when I was faced with delivering a sweet girl that had already seen the face of Jesus, I thought of you and what I'd walk through. I too, have had the opportunity to minister to other moms too walking this road, and you're right its too many. But we're not alone, and thanks to you & your faith, you helped me and I hope to help others. Thanks for opening your heart in the darkest of times.
Praying for you tomorrow as you remember your sweet little boy. I hope and pray Brooks and our daughter Reese are enjoying each other in eternity.
Blessing,
Jennifer Yearty Martin
I was in the play room with Scott, Ella Beth, and Landon when I received the call. I hit my knees and started praying and crying. You and I had just eaten lunch together at Fuddruckers the day before when you were asking questions about not feeling Brooks move as often. You called the doctor and made an appointment for the next morning.
What I remember the most from 2008 was just the awe I had of you and Denny for being able to pick up your feet and move one in front of the other. Your strength and trust in God carried me through some of my darkest days when we faced Ella Beth's sickness. I remember when you and Denny brought us dinner at Scottish Rite, and after you left I prayed through many tears that I would have the faith that you had. That even when I didn't understand all that we were going through He has everything in His grasp.
I think about Brooks often, and we have visited his grave as a family for the last 4 years. He is not forgotten, Ashly. He is loved. You are loved.
I was at home when I heard the news. I just remember thinking this could not be real. I knew it was real when we went to see you at the hospital and there was no heartbeat in the room. I just kept asking the Lord to do a miracle. I prayed for you so often over the next weeks. I know the Lord is the only way you and Denny made it through those days after Brooks went to heaven. Whenever I think about Brooks I wish he was here with you. I hate that you and Denny had to go through the pain of losing your son. I love you and ask God to take away all the pain.
4 years ago I was at Keri our neighbors house when you came over and asked her to watch Sierra for you guys while you went to the Dr's to deliver Brooks. I remember not knowing what in the world to do or say to give comfort since I didn't know you all that well. I remember going to his funeral and listening to everything that was said and the beautiful song that your friend sang. You are such a beautiful family... I really look up to you for your faith & the way you have expressed it with everyone around you. xo Shellie
4 years ago, I got a call from Ashley Jansen. I remember standing in the foyer of our home and dropping to the floor upon hearing the news. We had just had lunch and talked about Brooks' delivery and what you were afraid of-but this scenario never entered our conversation. My family rushed to me because I had made so much noise when I hit the floor, plus I was sobbing. I can remember looking into the faces of my children at that moment and wondering how in the world you were going to survive this-I don't think I could.
You were amazing. God shone through you and Denny. He still does.
I will never know why that was given to you as part of your story, but I know God doesn't make mistakes. You are Brooks' mommy for a reason. And I was honored to know you through that time. And even more honored to see how your family has grown both in numbers and in faith.
Ashly, I didn't know u then. Geremy did. I think he was trying to protect me from your story bc we were in the middle of infertility as we tried so hard to get pregnant with Will. I remember sitting in church and Andy sharing your story with the catalysts that grow your faith. Geremy and I talked about right after the service. Brooks life has definitely impacted mine and watching you and Denny trust God and seeing God comfort you has been huge for us! Thank u for trusting God! Thank u for being real about your journey! We will be praying more this week!
I didn't really know you yet..other than I do have a VIVID memory of being in a roll call training and seeing your cute belly up there. And at the time we were 1.5 years in to trying to have a baby..and like it always was, it was never a bitterness, but I was just drawn to your belly thinking "I wonder if that will be me some day", and of course, probably, assuming it was "easy" for you. Then, interestingly enough...I had JUST gone to my first appointment with the fertility specialist, and was encouraged that perhaps things would move forward for us, and we were headed to Charleston for my sister-in-laws wedding. Sometime when we arrived in Charleston I heard your news. And I remember it shocked me, and my heart broke and I vividly remember saying to Andy how it was such a shocking reminder that there were just no guarantees...so after I had left the fertility clinic thinking "maybe something will happen" it brought me to my knees. And I thought of you ALL weekend long, just so, so burdened for you and kept thinking about your belly I had watched just weeks earlier during that training....and then right after that Mom declined so much and I feel like you and I started this "blog journey" together of grief...yet I never felt (and still don't) that my story could even COMPARE to yours. We just happened to experience significant loss in the same season...but goodness gracious, what YOU went through, there are no words for that. It has been amazing to watch God carry you and Denny, watch him bless you with your sweet girls here on earth, and continue to use your boy in HUGE ways.
Prayers to you this week my friend...I know you miss him every hour still. I wish I could have met him this side of heaven.
Thinking of you and your beautiful family with lots of love! Happy birthday to your boy
Hi sweet friend!
I was at work and didn't know I had missed your numerous calls throughout the day. It still upsets me that I wasn't by my phone to get the news from you. Finally, Curtis called my work phone and told me. Complete devastation. Endless tears. I immediately tried to reach you. We talked for a bit and I remember asking you, "are they sure??!!!" Just seemed unreal. We had just been with y'all at Willys. I immediately felt the need to see you and be with you. I also called Tracy right away because unfortunately, I knew she'd know how to pray for y'all specifically. Kim and I planned that we would go up to the hospital. I didn't want to go home first so I bought clothes. Such a bittersweet time at the hospital with y'all. I'll never forget the quite of the morning in the dark, just you & Denny, Kim & me. I was praying down heaven for a miracle. What a beautiful, peaceful, little face. I hate I didn't love on him. One day I'll get my heavenly snuggles! Brooks Tucker you have changed my life forever. I HATE you aren't here to do life with my boys. I think of you so often and ponder the what ifs. I'll never forget you my whole life and look forward to seeing your sweet self when I meet Jesus.
Although I didn't learn of your sweet Brooks until close to a year after his birth, I do want you to know that his life has ministered to me in a way I can't even explain. I remember finding your blog soon after we lost Andrew and just sat on the sofa for hours, reading it from beginning to end, trying desparately to "know" someone who had walked the painful road we had just begun. As I read, I was blown away at how similar our experiences were and yet how God had brought you through. That sweet boy of yours may not be fulfilling the purposes you had hoped for him here on eartch, but he has certainly brought God so much glory through his short yet profound life! I can't wait to meet him in heaven! Lots of love to you guys! Sarah :-)
Happy 4th birthday Brooks! I didnt find out about you until around your 3rd birthday when I found this blog. I would come home from work every day, lay on the coach and read this blog as much as I could and cry, cry ,cry. Knowing that someone was out there that had gone through this made me feel less alone. Knowing your family had survived and then brought home a live Macy Brooks was what kept me going through my second pregnancy. I love seeing how Brooks is incorporated in your family even though he isnt here with you on Earth. Thank you Brooks for giving your parents the gift of you and the strength to minister to others! Can't wait to meet you in Heaven one day! Hope you and Caleb are having a good time!
RyAnne
I've thought of you throughout today. My memory, too, is of Fuddrucker's with you, me, Allison, & Amber. I sat next to you in the booth - you said you wanted to sit on the isle side not against the wall because you knew you'd have to get up to pee. We all just nodded in understanding. I touched your belly and felt him roll/move a bit. I remember reassuring you that it was completely normal to not feel as much movement, but to call the doctor. Mother's intuition always trumps medical science.
That night we were meeting for group. We were wondering where the Coibion's were - they usually weren't that late. I received a call from Karin telling me the news and I think she told you my two word non-appropriate response. I think I heard it might have even made you laugh when you heard what I said. No matter what I was in just utter shock and disbelief. That night I just cried in bed into Mark's arms and said over and over "I felt him - I don't understand?" and then I'd cry harder because of how much more intense I knew it was for you and Denny.
It has been a true blessing and joy to see you walk with God through these 4 years. I know that you wish this wasn't your ministry - that you'd rather have 4 year-old Brooks sleeping upstairs right now. But how precious it is to see how you are using the ministry He has given you.
I am looking forward to y'all sharing your story with our group and growing with y'all over the next couple of years.
Praying always!!
Ashley Jansen
No one at work knew what had happened as Denny just left the office in a hurry that day. His laptop, bag and lunch were still at the office. Later I got a call from Denny asking me to bring his stuff to the house as he told me about Brooks. I remember telling him without hesitating I will do it but after I hung up the phone I just sat in stillness. I didn't know how I was going to handle going to the house to provide such none important items knowing what you were going through. The drive to the house was a long one as I was trying to think of what I should say, what I should offer, how I should comfort you. As I got closer to your house I thought about just sitting your items on your porch and leaving but as I pulled up in the driveway both you are Ashly were standing at the front door holding each other. I walked up handed you your stuff and hugged each of you. I remember not saying a word which some days I regret. You both were so strong then and are still strong today. I still have the picture in my mind of you standing there with your hands around Brooks in Ashly as I walked away. That is an image that will never leave me. I got home that night and Joy and I prayed for your family. It is truly amazing watching the Tucker family live a life for the Lord.
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