Appointment update-finally

I apologize for the delay in updating on how the appointment went last Thursday at the OB. I haven't exactly wanted to re-hash the event, but the bottom line is
the baby is doing great. Good steady heartbeat at 160 and all else was well too.
The appointment itself however, did not go so great. We get called back after waiting 45 minutes and the physician's assistant comes in to do the doppler and hear the heartbeat. She tries unsuccessfully for 15 minutes to find it. And when I say 15 minutes I mean 9 years. 9 L-O-N-G years. After the first 2 years I finally begin to lose it. My body was giving me 3 choices at that time:
1. throw up
2. pass out
3. break down and cry hysterically

So I opted for number 3 as seeing I had just had lunch and wasn't interested in seeing it again and I wanted to be awake in case she ever did find the heartbeat.

It was no fun at all. The PA finally gave up and said she was sorry, but that we'd have to wait for the Dr and the ultrasound machine. Another 3 years passed (5 minutes) and Dr. G arrived and found our stubborn baby hiding somewhere. The baby looked great and I briefly calmed down.
Dr. G. was happy with the baby's activity and said things couldn't look better. She told me to come in and see the mid-wife next Friday (4/17) just for a reassurance appointment and I gladly took her up on it. Pretty sure I'll ask to skip the doppler check though and go straight to the ultrasound machine.

I feel the need to confess something going that went on in my head while the PA was searching and then while we were waiting for the doctor. I'm ashamed to type this, but I've already confessed it and want to confess it in case Prayer Warriors can find a way to specifically pray about this:
You'd think while I'm lying there and the heartbeat is no where to be found that I'd be praying and praying and praying. Well, the opposite hit me and I told Denny when we were alone and waiting that:
I really felt like we should be praying right now, telling God our desires and asking Him to show us the heartbeat. That we know He has the greatest plan laid out for us and we trust Him even though we are very scared now. I knew I should be calling out to Him in that moment- I just didn't want to. The whole appointment was such a flashback to September 17th-where I did call out to God, LOUDLY, I told Him my desires, and asked Him to show us the heartbeat and keep my son healthy here on Earth. And I'll admit, I felt so abandoned that day. I knew God could have made Brooks' heartbeat appear and He didn't. I have never felt so low and forgotten about. I know in my head all the scriptures and peace God provides, I just wasn't feeling it that September day.

Anyways, fast forward to last Thursday and that kind of explains why I was resistant to pray. While waiting for Dr. G. I sat up and Denny stood in front of me. I bowed my head on his chest and began to pray. I cannot explain the true peace that came over me. I have never experienced that feeling before and it was amazing! I told God I was scared and did not want my heart broken again in this way. I asked Him to show us the heartbeat and to wrap us in his arms. I told Him I know He knows what's best for our family and He will take the absolute best care of us. I let Him know I'd be okay if this baby wasn't for us to keep either, that I truly trusted Him.

The tears completely dried up (till I saw Baby T alive and well) and the air was crazy still. I no longer wanted to throw up, pass out or cry hysterically. It left as fast as it came on. I know that was Him.

After the appointment I was still shaken up and it wasn't until around 7pm that I could really reflect on the fact I was still growing a healthy baby. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like the traumatic appointment experience has set me back a few months in the grief journey-it was such a repeat flashback of the worst day of my entire life. I haven't been the same since. Please continue to pray for us. I want to be able to soak up this pregnancy and experience joy on a daily basis during this season.