Confused Heart

My co-worker, Brian lost his 4 week-old son this week. They found out at his 20 week ultrasound that little Samuel had some heart issues. They were told they could likely be fixed with surgery after he was born. Things did not go as they thought and there were many other health issues regarding baby Samuel and he went to meet Jesus before anyone wanted him too. The funeral was today and I was unable to attend. I really wanted to be there and support this sweet family, but there was no one to watch MB and I decided I couldn't handle it emotionally.

Samuel's way too early passing has dredged up so much for me that I haven't thought about in a few weeks. It has led me to re-play so many events I'd rather not....picking out caskets and plots for a baby just isn't right. Knowing exactly how Brian and Kathryn are feeling and the days that lie ahead for them are very fresh in my heart and mind.

My heart just aches for this sweet family. You'd think I'd know exactly what to say and how to say it to them since we've just been down this terrible road-but I don't. What I really want to do is email them and tell them "this sucks." It was one thing I kept saying last year. It was the only thing that kept coming to mind. It's not poetic or fancy, but oh so true. There's nothing right about burying your child.

Prayer Warriors-please visit their blog at http://apinisfamily.blogspot.com/
You will be ministered to, no doubt. Brian and Kathryn are extremely faithful to our loving God and eloquent with their words. Nothing would make me happier than if you would cover them in prayer as you covered us. They need it today and in many days to come.

My heart is completely confused. It is overfilled with joy and happiness since delivering our sweet girl. It has also made me realize just how much we were missing out on when our son died. Sarah is finally pregnant after 2 years of trying with her own healthy miracle baby. A 4 week old with a supposedly fixable heart defect has already met Jesus. I've recently heard of so much pain going on in the world, yet at the same time, am experiencing an indescribable joy I've never felt and hearing prayers answered left and right. My heart doesn't even know what to do. All I know to do is keep praising God, loving Him, thanking Him, seeking Him and praying to Him.

Since I was unable to make it to Samuel's memorial service, I headed up to the grave this afternoon to see if he was in the "Garden of Little Angels" near my Brooks. I went to visit my boy first and was stunned at what I found. Let me start by telling you we have yet to order a headstone. It seems so final and I'm not sure if it was my being pregnant again and just protecting myself or what, but we just hadn't done that yet. However, he had a nice temporary marker from the cemetary. D and I also decorated his area with wind chimes, a dangle frog toy, signs used to label herbs on which we wrote messages, flowers and a dragonfly who's wings spin in the breeze that also glows in the dark. Needless to say, even though we hadn't completed his area with his headstone-we had still decorated and had him looking good. When I showed up today to visit, I almost couldn't find him. EVERYTHING was gone, even his little sign containing his name. It was incredibly upsetting. Brooks' grave was bare. It looked as though his parents never visited or even cared-it was so sad and depressing. I called Denny bawling my eyes out-after I stomped my little self right over to the office and asked where all of our items were. (She said they never remove anything and she'd add another temporary marker this afternoon) We agreed right then, no more messing around, we needed to get that headstone ordered. We selected one tonight and it will be installed in 4-6 weeks. If D wasn't playing soccer tonight, we'd be at the stores right now buying Brooks new decorations, instead we'll do it this weekend. Not the afternoon I had in mind:( I've had a hard time not crying ever since.

(Thanks to Jason & Summer for giving this to us as a gift.
You have ministered to our family in amazing ways. Both of you
have done a fabulous job of showing Christ's love through gifts
and acts of service. We will never be able to re-pay you!)

Anyways, I did find Samuel, who was not in the garden by Brooks. I hung out there for awhile and found myself talking to God the same way I did 11 and 1/2 months ago. Asking Him why, telling Him I know He knows what He's doing, thanking Him for amazing parents who are going to use Samuel's short life for His glory. All my thoughts, feelings and emotions rose straight to the surface and even though Macy Brooks has brought me miles forward in my grief journey-I realized that hole in my heart is still gaping wide open.