About 2 weeks ago D and I were decorating our Christmas tree. I had already decorated the rest of our home and the tree was the last thing. I did most of the decorating while D was away at a football game all day and I was home with Macy Brooks. She still sleeps alot so I was left to my thoughts for a large portion of the day.
If I was on the outside looking in, I'd probably think: "wow, this will be their best Christmas ever, they finally have their sweet baby!" And don't get me wrong, there is soooooo much joy and thankfulness in our home, but the fact is-my heart still has a piece missing.
I've spent so much time thinking about Brooks lately. I miss him. I wonder how his personality would compare to his sister's. I wonder how crazy I'd be with a 15 month old and a 3 month old. I wonder if I'd have more trouble focusing on the true meaning of Christmas with such a busy (and fun!) home. My thoughts also turn to how life was like this time last year. I remember trying so hard to be in the Christmas spirit, concentrating on the incredible gift God sent. And it was so difficult, I'm not even sure I accomplished that goal.
So anyways, back to tree decorating....I'd been off and on teary while decorating. Then the last ornament to be hung was my favorite-Brooks' ornament. It's beautiful, a hand painted green ball with a cross and Brooks 08 on the front. I carefully lifted it from the ornament box, unwrapped the protective tissue paper and found the perfect spot up top and at the front. I made sure it was securely on the branch, stepped back to admire it. Before I could look at my work the beautiful green ball was sliding off the branch, landing on the hardwood floor and smashing to pieces before my very eyes.
It completely set me off and I ended up crying my eyes out for the next hour and half. It was one of the worst nights in a long, long time. Seeing that ornament scatter into pieces all over the dining room floor broke my heart all over again. It may seem silly that something like a little ornament breaking could send me spiraling into a crying fit in the nursery floor, but when your baby isn't here-you really grasp for anything to make you feel close to them.
While I was crying and trying to get a hold of myself, I started thinking about Macy B and all the cute things she's up to these days. My thoughts would literally oscillate back and forth every other second between "Ashly, be happy look at this beautiful, happy girl you have" to "Your heart is so empty, your son died inside of you and you buried him never getting to experience life with him on the outside"
In a way I felt guilty for being so upset when my heart is so full, then I feel guilty because I hadn't cried in quite some time over missing my sweet boy. I was trying to figure it all out in my head before writing a blog post about it, but my thoughts are still all over the place. I don't think I'm going to have it figured out anytime soon, so I wanted to go ahead and write out my thoughts.
Having a baby after losing a baby is so wonderful and so hard all at the same time. I'm not even sure I'm doing it well. Remembering Brooks while enjoying and being thankful for Macy Brooks. During my pregnancy with her I knew to expect some conflicting emotions, but I really didn't realize what I was in for.....
12 years ago
8 comments:
I am glad someone else is having the same thoughts as me. Hugs
Hey Ashley, I'm Cherish and I read your blog from time to time (via Amber C.). I am one of the people who committed to pray for you during your pregnancy with Macy B. I am so happy for you and your healthy baby girl! My husband and I miscarried around this time last year. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting-it was going to be a Christmas present. We hadn't been trying, so it was a surprise in and of itself. Losing a child is difficult no matter how far along, if the child was planned or not by us (it was by Him), and truthfully, it is never easy for a parent to lose a child no matter the age. I, like you, often find myself wondering what things would be like if we had had our baby. The holiday season really amplifies those feelings for some reason. Sometimes I feel guilty for hanging on to what might have been, and then like you, for not thinking of him or her enough. The truth is that we don't have to chose one of those ways to approach it. I've recently gotten to the point where I can cry about it and go on. It's just my way of dealing and I don't know that it will ever go away and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. In your case, having another baby doesn't take anything away from the fact that you still want to be with Brooks. That's natural. That's you being his mother-you'll always be his mother. I'm sure he wants you to want him. It's ok to be sad and miss him. But the comfort, as you know, is knowing he's safe with His father and you will hold him again. I don't even know if any of this made sense, because I'm like you, I don't have it figured out yet. Just wanted you to know that you have nothing to feel guilty over other than knowing that's what Satan wants you to feel. I will continue to pray for you as you heal and I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas! Macy B. is a beautiful girl!
Thanks so much for sharing this. Even being pregnant with Eliana, I find I am already experiencing this, particularly with Christmas hard. Those minute to minute oscilations in your thoughts are so true... so hard... and so exhausting.
Thinking about you guys often, and praying for your heart.
~ Stacy
We still have 4.5 months until our baby is born, Lord willing healthy and alive, but my heart already seems so divided. I'm not even sure that it is how to explain it.
I miss my son so much...feeling this little one move and wiggle in my womb brings back so many emotions and memories of Owen. It's just hard.
Praying,
ebe
Hi Ashly, just going through some blogs - I start at Summers and move from hers to others (it's a much needed mid-day break some days at work). I just read this post of yours and even though I can have no clue how you are truely feeling it just broke my heart! I don't know what else to say, but I'm sure through this God has something awesome to show you and encourage you with. Hope ya'll have a great Christmas!
Your rambling of thoughts made perfect sense. We lost our son in January and are now pregnant with our 2nd child. It is such an emotional experience...sometimes it's the simple things that are so hard. I wonder each day when if I will be able to just enjoy what I have instead of continuously grieving for what is no long with me.
Oh wow sweetie, I am so sorry! I wish I could have just showed up at your door step that night to cry with you. You are an amazing mom to both your sweet babies! I wish I knew what to say or do to provide your broken heart healing. As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. They grow us, challenges us, softens us, and point us toward our Lord.
I love you friend and am continuing to pray for you and Denny! That sweet little boy will never be forgotten! Thanks for sharing your feelings, so we know how to pray for you!!!
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