School Changes

Whew!! Whirlwind is the best way to describe the past month.

Our family has made a few changes and God has been with us every step of the way!

Homeschooling was laid on our hearts a couple years ago. I feel sure God put it there and we began to research curriculum, co-ops and other homeschool groups in our area We chatted about it all summer and created a cute and cozy guest room/homeschool room for Macy Brooks and I do conduct school. She was enrolled in a 1-day a week school where they introduced all the new material and then sent home the assignments to be completed during the week. She fell in love with her teacher and made some wonderful friends in the class. We found a great family to car pool with and MB and I were having fun completing the work together!

However, due to the sleep anxiety beginning shortly before school started and lasting for several months, our time together during the day was definitely starting to feel strained. Macy Brooks was starting to regress in her behavior. She wasn't maturing any more, but really acting like a 2 year old most of the time. Probably from lack of sleep, but it also seemed there was more. She just wasn't herself.

Looking back now, I think she was starting to look at homeschool like she was being withheld from something. Kate was going to school 3 days a week and having the best time. Macy Brooks LOVED her pre-school. She is extremely social. When I could see our time together going down hill I did my best to cover our day in prayer(all throughout the day), make school fun- more painting, more crafts, treasure box Friday- but nothing was helping. Her personality was changing into a sad and negative little girl. She couldn't make good choices and was frankly-not fun to be around. Not to mention THE LACK OF SLEEP! It is sooooooo hard to have a great day and be positive when a little person has only slept a handful of broken up hours.

From my research about anxiety I found that structure can really help. Highly planned out days can let the child know what's coming and they tend to do better. So Denny and I began to pray about a different school plan for her... more days in a classroom. I looked up all the private schools around, researched other homeschool co-ops that are 2 and 3 days per week and we also toured our local elementary school.

Our tour was Friday October 10th and my big prayer was to walk away with a crystal clear answer on sending her there or not. Well, that didn't happen. We liked the school a lot- everyone was very warm and friendly, it's new, bright and open, and we learned the common core issues we do not agree with do not start until older grades. No red flags, but I wasn't leaping with joy about sending her either. Why did God put homeschooling on our hearts? What if the anxiety continued and we never slept then she had to go to school 7:40-2:30? If we make a school change mid-year it needs to be the right one, because I don't want to do this again!

We continued praying over the weekend and by Sunday I told Denny that I just couldn't decide this. I wasn't getting a clear answer about anything. I knew he'd been praying and since he's the leader of this family I asked him which way he was leaning and whatever way that was-that would be our decision. His answer was to send her to our local public school.

So we rushed around Monday getting her registered and completing all the steps. I wanted her to start soon because it was a light week. Monday and Tuesday were full days, then Wednesday and Thursday were half days and school was out on Friday. Sounded like a good time to ease into the new longer school day! By the time we made it to the school it was too late in the day to get a teacher assignment. I asked if I had any say in what teacher she got and she said they basically do it by the numbers, but who did I want? I told her "Ms. P" and she said "oh I'm pretty sure she's full, who's your next pick" and I gave her a name. They told us to arrive at 8 the next day to get a teacher and start the school day. Our family prayed for 2 things that night: 1. The teacher who would be the best fit for MB would be hers
                               2. She would have at least 1 familiar face in her class.

I went to bed that night nervous and prayerful, asking God to give me 1 confirmation that we were making the right choice. Our dog ended up throwing up all throughout the night so we were up a lot. Each time I wake in the night I'm continuing to pray and ask God for confirmation that we are walking in His will and on His path. 2:30, 4:30, 5:15 and then 6:00 hits and I realize we hadn't seen Macy Brooks alllll night long! She had slept through the night! A night leading into a huge change for her! I realized God had already given me a great confirmation!

Macy Brooks and I arrive at the school and the registrar says she has to do something but she does know our teacher is......Ms. P!!!! I looked at Macy Brooks and just started crying my eyes out! "Mommy, why are you crying?"
"What did we pray last night?"
"That I would get the perfect fit and know at least 1 person."
"Well, you got the teacher we wanted and already know Allison is in that class!"

She wrapped her arms around me with a big smile on her face and we were able to talk about God cares about our details! The creator of this universe cared that MB would have a sweet girl friend in her new class! Amazing! Confirmation #2 has already happened at 8AM!

I instantly loved her teacher when we met and she slid right in and started doing work. And where was her seat? Right next to Allison! What?!?!

So a big change from our homeschooling thoughts to the public school, but it's going great and she's back to her old self. Acting mature, making good choices, thriving, kind, easier to get along with and just out of her funk! Sleep is better. Not amazing, but better. She still gets up 1-3x per night but we are able to walk her back to her bed and she goes right back to sleep. There are 1-2 mini-anxiety attacks during the week before bed, but it's not lasting for hours and hours anymore.

Praises:
*I have a Godly husband who our family could trust to make the right decision
*Better sleep
*She's thriving
*Alone time with Kate like I had with MB when she was 3
*I get work, dinner, cleaning, errands all done while she's away and our time in the afternoons is better quality
*Our other school let us out with minimal money due
*I asked for more work from my boss(to be better prepared to pay for private school later) and he was ready to hand over several projects and I'm really enjoying the new responsibilities!
*I feel sane again and am enjoying my child again!
*It's caused me to lean even more on God. It's so hard to send your child out into the world! School has more time with her than I do and that makes me a little nervous. But if we are doing what He wants us to be doing, it's the safest place she can be.
*Macy Brooks is so happy and comes home every day telling me tons of great things
*Ms P goes to our church and volunteers there!!!

I still wrestle with why God led us down the path He did at the beginning of the school year if it wasn't right. Why did he lay homeschool on our hearts if it's not for now? So still some unanswered questions, but we are trusting Him and trying to walk in step with Him. Hopefully the questions will be answered some time!

Thank you to those close friends who have been praying with us through these big decisions!

A tiny gymnast

Near the end of the summer, I was chatting with MB if she wanted to play soccer in the Fall. Kate chimes in and says, "Mama, I want to do sometin!"  

So of course we signed her up! She chose gymnastics and is loving it. Her teachers are great and she's made some sweet friends. 

Sleep Anxiety

Oh where to begin?
Parenting is incredibly hard. No one tells you these types of things. You expect sleepless nights with a newborn or young toddler....not with a 5 year old. I've done nothing but cry for the past week. We are at our wits's end.

It started about 10 months ago with the 'demands' she makes to Denny and I every night:
-bring my water up
-take me potty before you go to bed
-rub me before you go to bed
-check on me before you go to bed
-and MOST importantly, wake me at 7:30 so I can have breakfast with daddy. She is FIXATED on this.

We do each of these things EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. without fail. We have never let her down, yet she's still not trusting and believing that we will do it. It has gradually gotten worse over time and extremely bad lately. We are weary and burdened.

Denny had a good idea to write the list down so she didn't have to tell us every night what to do. We hung it on the wall outside of her door 'so Denny and I can read it every night and know what to do.'  Now she just repeats, "are you looking at the list?" "Are you going to do everything on the list?" She wakes us all night long asking if Daddy is going to wake her and have breakfast with her. It is bizarre! And so, so tiring.

When Denny is away for work, it seems to relieve the biggest stress from MB. She knows he is gone and doesn't have to worry about waking herself and checking to see if he's up for the day. We were desperate for a good night's sleep last night and told her he had a trip. He went to dinner with friends and came home late. Her bedtime was PERFECT, not one issue of stalling or asking about the list or anything. She wakes at 11 to go potty and sees him. The anxiety starts immediately and we are then up until 2 with a miniature version of the exorcist. It is terrible to watch. On one hand I feel terrible for her and on the other hand it is INCREDIBLY frustrating. We have tried everything and nothing is working. In fact, it's getting worse.

Here's what we have tried:
*tons of prayer, praying out loud over her and silently alone
*essential oils
*benadryl every once in awhile when we are desperate for sleep
*melatonin
*saw the counselor 1x (have a 2nd appt tomorrow)- she taught her how to breathe and push anxious thoughts away
*deep breathing
*answering all her questions
*ignoring her and taking her silently back to bed
*no dairy close to bedtime
*talking about her heart and mind-trying to get to the bottom of it
*not talking about and trying to make sleep a non-issue
*rewards: immediate and 7 nights with a big reward
*punishments: oh so many punishments. Have taken away a million things-nothing has worked
                      it's made me realize she is definitely sick in the head with anxiety. She can obey all day long                          and make wise choices to avoid punishments during the day. At night, she cannot think                                  logically. All rationalism is out the window. We have tried taking away 'breakfast with daddy'                        and that didn't work. Then we tried him doing it anyways even after a bad night, just to show                        her that he is faithful and will follow through on what he says.

Last night in the throws of it all, MB is in her bed and is somewhat calm-hopefully about to fall asleep. Kate is coughing her head off and can't stop. It was crushing trying to decide if I should go give Kate a sip of water and a honey elixir. What if MB see me? Hears me? Is she going to start up again? I was quiet as a mouse and of course she hears me in the hall. And yes, it starts all over again and went for another hour. All because Kate needed some water.

Denny and I feel like little prisoners in our home every night. Be SUPER quiet, don't wake her, don't let the phone ring, should we take her to the potty?(she pees her bed every night if we don't), don't do the dishes-just leave the kitchen dirty. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is wrong with our kid? Why can't we help her? Why doesn't she trust us and feel secure? What does a happy, healthy 5  year old have to be anxious about?

I want to love her through this and help her. Show her grace and mercy, but I'm struggling. I'm having trouble being a good mom to MB-I just stay mad and frustrated with her. I can't be a fun and happy mom to Kate because I'm upset with her sister and so low on energy. Resentful feelings are starting to develop towards Denny since this all seems to revolve around him. I KNOW it is not his fault. He's the best dad. He spends quality time with us every day! He is calm and gentle and loves us so well. But we are arguing more(lack of sleep) and at a loss as to what to do. He's going to the counseling appointment tomorrow so maybe she will have some answers.

We are feeling hopeless. I look for gifts from God every day and do my best to keep the perspective. We have a great family, a heavenly Father who loves us, our basic needs are met and abundantly more; but if I'm completely honest-as small as this may seem-we are having a crisis in our family and do not know where to turn. Watching her in the night unable to calm down or be rational is painful. It is a different child, one that we do not know or understand. I keep saying "this too shall pass," but we are growing weary and impatient.

I'm not an anxious person and I'm starting to dread the nights. Will we sleep? How many times will we be up? Will it take long to get her back to bed? Can we stay calm? I don't even want night to come anymore. It feels like we have a newborn.

Are we missing something? How is this ever going to turn around? What is left to try?

Not to mention September is here and my boy's 6th birthday is right around the corner.....

Kate learns to swim

The end of Kate's summer looked completely different than the beginning. She loved the water in May, but was TERRIFIED for anyone to let go of her. 

I just assumed she would love the pool and have no fear after watching her do this at 22 months: 

She could be wearing floaties, laying on a float and holding a noodle and would scream like crazy if you took your hands away. Then late June came and Kate was fine with floating. I was standing next to her in the shallow while she was wearing her puddle jumper when she suddenly lifts her feet and says, "Mama, I'm floa-d-en!"  It was the cutest thing ever! 

Fast forward to August and she completely teaches herself to swim one day when we had the pool to ourselves. It was awesome! It's a great feeling to be so proud of your kid, you think your heart will burst!! 

Macy Brooks turns 5!

Whoa! Our love bug is 5! Hard to believe.

 

To our lovely Macy Brooks,
There are no words to tell you how much I love you. You are beautiful, kind, funny and a delight to be around. Your brother made me a mom, but you made me the kind of mom I've always wanted to be. When I was growing up people would ask me what I wanted to be and my response was..."a mom." And you made that dream come true. I was definitely a mom to your big brother, but it's not the same when you don't get to mother him. I get to mother you and for that I am eternally grateful.

When I was having my quiet time with Jesus this morning it led me to Psalm 21. My Bible tells me the theme is, 'Praising God after victory in battle. When God answers our prayers for victory, we must quickly and openly thank him for his help.'

Your pregnancy was, unfortunately, like a battle. I battled Satan the whole time who told me I'd never have a living child and other nasty lies. As soon as you were born crying I thanked God over and over for the battle he won. That battle victory brought me so much joy. Psalm 21:1 says, '....How great is his joy in the victories you give!' And  that is TRUTH!

You are obsessed with your Daddy. You love me, but you cannot get enough Daddy. To be honest, it's a little frustrating how you wake up too early each weekday to try and see him before he leaves for work. Even though we promise you every night that Daddy will wake you and have breakfast with you. He's the one you usually want when you're hurt. I'm so thankful you guys are close! He loves you more than life.

This fall you are signed up for soccer and Daddy will be your coach. You're both pumped! You will go to school 1 day a week to Veritas and they provide us with the assignments to complete the rest of the week. We are both excited about homeschooling. We have made several new friends already and we both love your new teacher. We have completed 2 days so far of math, reading and writing and it's going really well.

It would not surprise me at all if you lived near the beach when you grow up. You LOVE it. Playing with you in the ocean is one of my highlights every summer. When you're in your element of swimming and playing in the wide open space you constantly say "I love you, Mama!" You started swimming very well before you turned 3 and now you are very strong. You've swam all over the pool this summer and I haven't had to worry.

I'm so proud of your manners! After saying 'yes ma'am' and no ma'am for a couple years now, you finally say it on your own (usually). Most of the time you are very polite and kind. You make friends with everyone! You have a lot of friends and seem to get a long with so many people.

This summer you have improved on riding your bike. You can stand up and pedal now when you're stuck and go pretty fast. There's even been talk of trying without training wheels soon. I hate to say it, but you are so clumsy like your mama. It's awful how many times per week you hurt yourself!

Dresses and skirts ONLY! Don't even think of asking you to wear anything else. EVER! Suggesting you wear pants or shorts is completely ludicrous to you. The facial expressions I get if I even mention wearing shorts to a park is hilarious! Flip flops is your shoe choice everyday. No cute sandals or fun shoes. But, that's ok. So fun how girly and tomboy you are. Such a great mix.

Kate is your best friend. You are a superstar of a big sister. She really admires you and wants to be like you. I pray you set a great example for her and ya'll are always close. When you guys play, it's restaurant, family or running around in the backyard.

This summer has brought so much maturity. I love our conversations and just hanging out together. We are so much alike personality wise, it's downright scary! You surprise me with questions sometimes. We will be riding in the car and all of a sudden it's "did Brooks like to eat ice cream before he died?" Your mind is always working. You love to ask about Brooks. I'm very thankful you think of him often. I'm always thinking of him too.

 

Happiest of birthdays, my love. I am so proud of you and could not love you more! You are my favorite 5 year old. Thanks for being you. Looking forward to the next 50 years with you! 

Kate turns 3!

And just like that our baby turns 3! We arrived home from the beach the day before Kate's birthday so we used PNO at the YMCA for date night to run around and get her a few balloons and come home and wrap her gifts. She received a new bike, some bubble bath and a bubble gun. Macy Brooks gave her a new Minnie Mouse dress up gown! 

Kate woke up and was acting so weird about opening her gifts! She did love the gown though.

 Kate does not love being sung 'happy birthday' to. She hides every time! 

Sunday night we invited our dear friends to meet us at Catch Air. It's a great indoor place with several bounce houses and fun things.  Kate loves Carmen! It's so fun to watch their friendship blossom.

These girls! So cute!!

Roman and Macy Brooks have been friends for awhile now!

My Dearest Kate,

I love you so incredibly much! You are a true joy and I'm so thankful God placed you in this family. Everyone that meets you just loves you. Even when you're being a stinker, it's hard not to smile. You adore your sister! Every now and then you call her Macy Brooks, but it's usually still 'sissy.' If you wake up from your nap and she's out in the yard with friends you always say, "where's MY sissy?" I love the possession of it! We have been working on learning your letters the last half of summer and you know A-G and K very well. You know all your colors and shapes and can count to 13. You may not be where your sister was at 3, but you are very smart. You've been counting things for over a year. You're very emotionally smart. It's hard to describe, but you are. 

One of your favorite things to play is 'babies and mommies.' You are of course the mommy and every one else in the family is your baby. You enjoy books, but only at nap or bedtime so we read several at each bedtime. We have had fun swimming this year. You're not quite as brave as last summer and it took you several weeks before you'd trust your float! You finally trust it and swim all over wearing it. I just convinced you to jump into the pool on your own last week! Your gross motor skills are excellent! Love climbing and jumping and dominating playground equipment. Going 'way up in the sky' on swings is a favorite. 

'Why' is definitely the most used word right now. You even use it when it doesn't really make sense. If you ask me what color something is and I say brown, you say 'why?'! It can be exhausting, but we try to make it a learning experience and fill up our little sponge! 

You are starting to like Daddy much more! Not that you didn't like him before, but you always preferred me to do things for you and now it's more even. You transitioned to your big girl bed like a champ back in June. We painted your room light blue and it looks so soft and sweet. You call us when you want to get up and we've had no issues with you getting up. 

Hearing you say the blessing at meal times is amazing! You say it so sweet and fold those little hands. I need to get a video! I love you sweet cheeks and pray over you every night. I pray you will accept the free gift God has to offer and will ask Jesus to live in your heart. That you will be kind and loving to every one you meet. I want Jesus to shine through you. I love you!

Happy Birthday, Mommy

The sweetest way to wake up on my 34th birthday!!