3 Months

Our sweet Brooks was born 3 months ago today. Today he should be 3 months old. Wow. On one hand it seems as though we lost our baby 3 days ago and on the other it's as if it was 3 years ago. I miss him terribly and the wound is still fresh. I wonder how long it takes for the stabbing pain in my heart to give way to an ache. Today my mind has been busy. Very busy. I've replayed events of 9/18/08 many times. Thoughts of sadness sit heavy today thinking of what could have been. Happy thoughts have also crept in, thinking of all the sweet memories I have with Brooks. We took him to the lake and to Hilton Head. We talked to him each day and prayed for him each night. I went on long walks with him, painted rooms with him and talked joyously with him about things to come. Sometimes if I try real hard I am able to picture Brooks fitting perfectly into our family. But usually that's not the case. Will I ever get to experience the joy of delivering a healthy baby that cries at birth and gets to come home with us? That dream feels too good to come true. I've never experienced that so I have trouble visualizing it.

Emotionally I am still riding that oh-so-fun roller coaster. Up and down. Up and down. Yesterday was not so good. I could be nothing but sad, only focusing on what my work Christmas party should have been like. Today, on the other hand I have a sense of peace and hope. It is such a gift from God. He is the only one able to put my mind and heart at ease. He is taking such good care of us and for that I am grateful. Grace is an amazing thing! I'd be lost without it.

We love you and miss you sweet Brooks!
Here are some pictures in honor of 3 months:



What big feet you have my dear! No wonder I had SEVERE rib pain-what a little stinker=)