Surreal

Is it Tuesday yet? NO? Geez, it sure is taking forever to arrive. I'm trying to soak it in and enjoy every movement, but the anxiousness is making herself at home these days.

Now that we are so close to delivering Baby T, I am feeling nothing less than a million different emotions. The main feeling I have at this time is 'surreal.' About 2 minutes after writing my last post where I told all of you about "the plan," my heart started to become uneasy. We learned the hard way that the Tucker family doesn't make "plans." We might make dinner plans or plans to go for a hike, but we(I) DO NOT make "plans." It sounds really sad and depressing, but I no longer allow myself to daydream. And I was a big daydreamer. I could envision an entire weekend of events in about 20 seconds-and all my dreams included a living child. Last year, I had pictured a busy fall season, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter and even summer outings and fun. Sweet baby Brooks was in every single daydream. Our family of 3 was having a blast on all our new adventures. Then to go through those occasions the complete opposite of how I pictured for 9 months was/is the worst, just terrible. No one should do it.

Anyways, back to my surreal feelings...to have actually written out on this blog that we have a plan seems crazy. It also sounds too easy. Go to the hospital Tuesday, draw out fluid which takes 15 seconds, get monitored for 30 minutes, go home & watch a movie, get a late afternoon phone call that Baby T is ready, drive to the hospital after dinner, get a Cervadil, sleep/hang out all night, get Pitocin Wed. morning, deliver Baby T later on Wednesday. These plans work out for other people-happens all the time. Plans don't seem to work out for us so much. So it caused me to freak out a little at how easy this whole "plan" thing seems.

We are so close to meeting our newest blessing, it's feeling too good to be true. I think I have a hard time because I don't have any good birthing experiences to look back on. All I know is delivering babies who go straight to Heaven. I still can't/allow myself to picture a good birthing experience. I don't know why, it's not like if something bad did happen to Baby T, it would hurt any less because I kept myself from daydreaming. I guess it's just a self defense mechanism. Kinda dumb when you think about it. Why not daydream & picture good times with your baby? Why not thoroughly soak up pregnancies, in doing so, happily thinking about life after baby arrives? When the excited feeling creeps over me, I almost want to keep it out somehow. So sad! I wish I wasn't being like this. I won't say I'm not excited, because I am thrilled and giddy with excitement to meet Baby T, but it just scares me to be in this place again.

I am also feeling anxious, ready, happy, nervous and positive. I do ultimately believe God is going to let us keep Baby T for awhile:)

Latest prayer requests:
-still wanting to go into labor on my own to avoid amnio:)
-pass the amnio (I will go crazy if I have to wait till the 24th b/c Baby T isn't ready)
-safe amnio, no complications
-peace while waiting for results on Tuesday
-overly active baby until delivery
-loud cries immediately after birth(from the baby!)
-safe & healthy Baby T

Thanks Prayer Warriors-you're the best!